Picture one giant 6 foot 4 blonde hulk wedged between a giggling tiny four year old and an entranced 20-something female. For two hours. Neither of these are his girlfriend. Everyone else in the theater is either under 10 or over 50. Only the most stupendous brothers let themselves get dragged to see Cinderella alongside their 20-something year old sister and a bunch of six year olds.
The most stupendous brothers go to the theater, heaven forbid that they actually enjoy it. Cracking even a smile would totally decimate any ‘man cred’ or something.
Which is stupendous.
Not the decimation of man cred, men should be allowed to feel manly if they so choose, but the battle between actually enjoying the movie vs making sure your sister doesn’t know that you enjoyed the movie is one of the most stupendous things you can ever witness. Let me break down the phases for you.
Phase 1: Accept that you are going to have to go see Cinderella tonight because:
- Your sister is older than you and therefore always right
- Mom and Dad will buy you dinner if you go and you’re a poor student
- It’s your sister’s birthday so you’re not weaseling out of this one
- you secretly liked that movie but no-one may know
Phase 2: Crack sarcastic comments while driving to theater and express general mocking. This can include fun phrases like “What? I didn’t realize you were actually turning 6 today.” or “I bet this movie will actually have lots of guns and explosions. Only good movies have guns and explosions”. Whew. Totally saved your man cred there.
Phase 3: Increase sarcastic comments as previews role and everything is for animated movies. Grudging express that Pixar’s new movie looks like it might be good. Secretly decide that your uncool, boyfriendless sister will need you to go with her to see movie. Thus saving your man cred and letting you look like a good brother.
Phase 4: Start movie. Smile indulgently at smile child giggling beside you. Also smile at unknown 6 year old girl crammed beside you because the theater is packed. Attempt to compress 6’4 frame into something a little smile.
Phase 5: Crack smile at stepsister antics. Immediately squelch smile with thoughts of manly swordfighting.
Phase 6: Stop making sarcastic comments. Offer sister smuggled in chocolate.
Phase 7: Realize your smiling only when sister looks at you like the cheshire cat who just got to eat all of the birds. Wipe away smile. Tell sister that you’re only smiling because you think her love of this is hilarious.
Phase 8: Just give up and enjoy the sappiness between Cinderella and the Prince. Bet that sister is too distracted to notice your enjoyment. *side note: sister totally noticed*
Phase 9: Exit movie theater smiling like a loon. Realize that man cred is still intact despite obvious enjoyment of the movie. Resolve that movie was fun.
Phase 10: Tell sister that movie wasn’t terrible. Inform that fireworks do not count as explosions and that the room of men fencing wasn’t enough swordfighting. Question sister’s desire to wear a princess dress for five minutes.
Repeat as necessary.