Something Stupendous: And Suddenly… Beavers

Me: *bursts through the door into the house* MOM!

Mom [in another room probably having a heart attack because I am not a ‘burst through the door and shout’ kind of person but rather a ‘slink in the door and quietly traverse the two feet into my bedroom’ kind of person]: Archie?

~ As you may have noticed my name is not actually Archie. My mother is just fond of nicknames. As in she really never uses my real name even when friends are over which just gets mortifyingly embarrassing when she absently calls you Lulabell McFerdinand or something~

Me: Guess what I discovered at work today?

Mom: Something technical that you had to make sound pretty?

Me: *shouting across the house* BEAVERS!

Mom: *pauses then appears* There were beavers at work?

Me: No, not at work, in work. There were beavers in my work. Unexpectedly stupendous beavers. I got paid to write about dam-building, tail smacking, big toothed beavers. Do you know how often that happens? Someone just hands you beavers in the middle of your more technical mumbo jumbo and farm assessments?

Mom: *starts to mirror my enthusiasm* NOT OFTEN.

Me: NOT OFTEN! I genuinely lol’d. Big ol’ snort in the cubicle. Then I had to explain to my cubicle-mates the whole beaver situation. I can’t tell if they were chuckling at the beavers or my beaver enthusiasm or my weird snort noises.

Mom: *looks like ? *

Me: Laughed out loud, come on Mom. You keep telling me you’re hip. Be hip. Get with the lingo.

Mom: *subtle conversation change* It is almost Canada Day.

Me: Right! It’s a sign from the universe.

Mom: What sign?

Me: I don’t know, but it’s some kind of sign. Maybe the beaver overlords are coming. Maybe Canada will finally raise its beaver army, join its moose brethren and instill a state of politeness and maple syrup over the whole world. Look at that idea – we could achieve world peace with beavers.

Mom: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: I know. But really the beavers weren’t even the best part – have you heard of beaver deceivers? Because I hadn’t. But they are essentially things that deceiver beavers. It RHYMES. Not only did I get unexpected beavers in the middle of a workday but I got rhyming beavers.

beaver deciever

Beaver deceivers are deceptively unbeaveresque

Mom: What are beaver deceivers?

Me: No clue. Some kind of beaver trap for when they annoy farmers. Apparently Manitoba hasn’t caught onto the beavers = world peace thing yet.

Mom: Sometimes I wonder how you got that job.

Me: Because I believe in my stupendousness! Also because they knew that I was the kind of girl who could a) handle both the tedious technical reports and the excitement of unexpected beavers and b) because I’m the kind of girl who actually gets excited by a spontaneous beaver interruption. That kind of enthusiasm is an immediate moral lift.

Mom: Unexpected beavers are stupendous?

Me: YOU BET! *pause* When’s dinner?

Mom: Guess.

Me: When Hedgehog gets home.

My life in a nutshell… I’m only slightly paraphrasing.

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Something Stupendous: Avoiding Muffin Mental Breakdown

Existential cupcakes. When is a cupcake not a cupcake? When it’s a muffin. Ever spent twenty minutes discussing the essence of cupcakes or the core quality of muffins? No? I thought not. I did because that’s just how I roll. Give me a cupcake and I will reward you with the most important ponderings of my soul before devouring the tiny cake with the ferocity of, well, people who have cupcakes.

Discussing existential cupcakes was stupendous. It was something outside of normal conversation, stupendous. It required out of the box thinking, stupendous. There was simply conversation, stupendous. But rather than detail all the stupendous to you as per the norm I intend to share the stupendousness with you. Now you can’t say you haven’t spent time pondering the essence of cupcakes and muffins.

Essentially what is the difference between a cupcake and a muffin? A cupcake is a ‘tiny cake’ but why is a muffin not a tiny cake? Can I not make cakes from muffin mix? I think so. Maybe it would come out a little loaf-like but then we’re just considering loaves versus cakes. That’s the same as cupcakes vs muffins.

muffins vs cupcakes

Cupcake or icing cover muffin?

Icing was proposed as the distinguisher. So if I take a muffin and dump icing on it does it magically become a cupcake? The opinion was split (I really need a tiebreaker in the comments) but consider the flipside: is a cupcake without icing just a muffin? This makes me think that icing is not the factor. A plain muffin with icing isn’t a cupcake, it’s just a muffin with icing.

Possible it’s the sweetness of cupcakes that makes them cupcakes. But what about CHOCOLATE MUFFINS, never forget the delectable sweetness of chocolate muffins. It could be that muffins can be sweet and savoury (yes? That’s a cooking term right?) and cupcakes are only sweet. That just creates more problems. How do you know if the sweet muffins are muffins or cupcakes. WHAT DISTINGUISHES THE CHOCOLATE MUFFIN FROM THE CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE. Chocolate, once again, put everything in perspective.

Density. My conclusion is density. D = m/v. Density is mass over volume. Cupcakes are light, fluffy and full of air while cupcakes are solid bunches of goodness (if you’re lucky) or bran (if you’re unlucky). You can’t make a bran cupcake (can you?), only a bran muffin. Ultimately what this means to me is that there must be a tipping point, a density where muffins become cupcakes and are suddenly allowed to have icing slathered all over them.

Science needs this. Someone find the Muffin/Cupcake density line. Do it for science. Do for the children. Do it so that we can call it the Muffcake value (i’m not so conceited as to suggest you name it after me. Muffcake is stupendous all on its own).

Existential cupcakes to Muffcake values = its been a productive day.

I need to know. What is the muffin/cupcake distinguisher? People are still insisting it’s icing. Help! I need ammo. Respond here.